Eat Your Heart Out Dog Whisperer

We're kind of a pet loving family around here. There have been numerous hamsters, gerbils, gold fish, mice, guinea pigs, a ferret and yes, even a RAT. He was white, harmless and adorable, and once sent Michael screaming up the hall when he scurried up the inside of his bathrobe, but I digress. Yes, we've had LOTS and LOTS pets, but mostly, we're dog people.

Currently, we have three dogs. Fonzie, the old man, Princess Elle (aka Weewee), and Chuckie, the baby. Technically, Weewee belongs to our daughter Mallory and lives at her apartment. Fonzie and Chuckie live with Michael, Aly and Me. But when the kibble hits the fan, I am the dog mama. Translation: when they pee, poop, puke or smell, yep, I'm your girl. Okay, I LOVE these little furry creatures. They're all snuggly on a cold winter's night, and crazy Chuckie will chase a tennis ball for HOURS on end. But sometimes their charm can wear a tad thin. Like the time they broke into Michael's Christmas candy stash and consumed oh about a pound of dark chocolate. We had no idea what they'd been up to--UNTIL they barfed it all up in the middle of the living room carpet 15 minutes before our dinner guests arrived. Good times.

And Did I mention these dogs LOOOOOOOOOVE cheese.  Actually, FOOD! of any type, but particularly cheese. They can be sound asleep, in another room, upstairs, possibly in another county-- and if anyone dares to open the refrigerator and ever so slightly brush the plastic American cheese package--they're like, "Beam me up Scotty, there are dairy products to consume."  They appear out of thin air, ears perked, tails wagging, eyes shining with adoration, all for a little cheese.

 They're small dogs, two daschunds and a chihuahua, so you'd think the bath time wouldn't be a big deal. Well, that dear reader is where you'd be wrong. Fonzie and Weewee are pretty manageable, but Chuckie has a white hot fear of running water unrivaled by anything dogdom has ever known.  His adrenaline kicks into high gear and he's a 7 lb weiner dog with Herculean strength. He wriggles, claws, squirms, flips, shakes, gnaws and screams like I'm searing his flesh with a cattle brand. He's been known to jump out of the bath and race through the house like a mad man, leaving a trail of suds behind. As a result, I bathe them as little as possible. Disgusting, but true.

Last week I lured them into the laundry room (home of the giant sink) using a piece of cheese.  Once I had them captive, I realized there was no dog shampoo. Great.  Somehow I managed to slip out to search for some in the kitchen.  When I opened up the tiny cabinet by the back door, there, in front of the dog shampoo, bathed in the florescent glow of the kitchen light, stood a solitary can of Easy Cheese.  We'd bought it months ago to spray inside one of those "indestructible" dog toys.  Once Chuckie had reduced THAT to a 6.99 pile of confetti, we stuck the cheese in the cabinet and forgot about it.  But I knew, this lowly can of spray cheese and I could form an alliance.  Together we could tame the bath time monster.  

I returned to the laundry room, cheese and shampoo in hand, to find my little prisoners cowering in the corner, plotting my death no doubt.  All it took was one quick squirt of spray cheese and we were back in business.  Fonzie went first and he was all sullen, but docile as usual.  As a reward, I gave him a squirt of spray cheese and watched his bitterness melt away like the cheesy goodness on his chin whiskers.  

Chuckie was up next and I knew he would be a bit more challenging.  Pretty soon I had the rhythm down.  Pour a little water over his back, squirt a little cheese in his mouth, apply some shampoo, another squirt.  Then came the AHA moment...

 

I outlined the entire sink in Easy Cheese (Cheese! Glorious Cheese!), it was like doggy Xanax.  Chuckie mellowed out and was so busy lapping up the cheese, he hardly noticed he was getting a bath.  So now I'm a regular bath time dog whisperer, just like Cesar Millan, only a little more trailer parky and um--not so good for canine cholesterol.  

                                

            

A (partial) MENAGERIE OF SYKES PETS:

                               Alex Von Ferretas

     

                             Spartacus the Hermit Crab

   

                    Cleatus "Jake" the Guinea Pig